Our first "yes" referral.

that's right. 

we finally had a referral that we said YES to. 

it was the day after christmas and we were on our way down to medford to have our family christmas at my mom's house with all my siblings, spouses and my nieces and nephews. 

it's about a 7 hour drive (depending on how many potty breaks you have take! and surprisingly, they are mostly for bubba, not rowan ha!) and we decided to stop in salem after about 3 - 3.5 hours and get some lunch and to find a park or somewhere for rowan to let our some energy. 

well when we pulled off i-5 i saw wunderland and thought.. HEY! we should totally stop there. i mean bubba and i used to have some serious house of the dead game playing there, after all. so of course he was down. off to wunderland we go and surprise!! they totally still had house of the dead. the original one that we used to play in high school! so awesome. 

after some butt-kicking in air hockey, skee ball and house of the dead we left wunderland and started to head over to subway for some lunch. i then proceed to check my email, duh, like an addict. waiting and waiting for an email. to my delight there was a referral sitting in my inbox. i say: hey bubba any chance you've checked your email? {he has totally read a referral before and didn't even tell me that we had gotten it!}

he hadn't, so i begin reading it out loud until he pulls it up on his phone. at this point rowan is in her car seat, buckled up and ready to go and we just sit there and keep reading. in the past, bubba will just stop reading once he reaches a part in the referral that he knows won't work for him. but he just kept reading. for the first time ever. and we both read all the many, many pages until it finally ended. and bubba said: well, i feel like just turning this car around right now. 

so then i knew he was saying yes to this referral.

we had rowan put on her headphones and turn on a movie while we discussed the situation. i had some concerns and questions and talked about it and decided to call our agency with our questions. 

they answered all our questions the best they could with the information given to them. 

we got off the phone and decided to head to subway to get our lunch. 

there we sat and discussed and talked about it over our sandwiches. 

this girl had to be picked up today. 

and we were 3 hours from tacoma.

we made another call to the agency with some more questions that we had. 

and after discussing it again, we said YES, put our name in the hat! we want this sweet girl!

so there we sat. in subway. 3 hours from home. 

waiting with this feeling of excitement from just saying YES for the first time to a referral. with wonder and nervousness -- this little girl could really be ours -- TODAY!! 

and we talked about the scenarios and how we would have to cancel our christmas plans with our family. and how would that make rowan feel? and oh my gosh! we would need to go and buy a car seat! 

all the thoughts, adrenaline, and fear that was rushing through me. 

it was so. hard. to. wait.

this girl could be ours. 

even though a judge could have ordered her to a relatives two weeks later, we didn't care. we felt that this sweet girl could be ours forever and ever. 

so we waited some more. at this point we decided to just wait in salem until we knew either way. we didn't want to drive back to tacoma to be told no and then drive back down to medford the next day. 

we didn't want to continue our trip to medford if we got a call saying, yes! come and get her!

so we waited. 

thankfully, my sister lives in salem and so we just stopped at her house and hung out and rowan played with her cousins.

but i was checking my email every 15 minutes. 

we ended up waiting for 5 hours before we got an answer. 

and unfortunately, another family was chosen. 

that was hard. it was hard for me, but i think it was harder on bubba. he really felt like this was the one for us. and he thought for sure that we would be chosen. the feelings were a bit rough.

i was thankful that we had plans and things to distract us afterwards.

we had a great 4 days down at my mom's and we were busy the whole time, so it was wonderful. 

but we know that we were told no for a reason. that our child is out there waiting for us. and that we will find our perfect match for us. 

it's good to know what to expect. to be able to experience the rejection and to know what to expect if we are turned down again. 

at this time, we continue to wait, pray and hope. 

our day is coming. :) 

How adoption works.

I've been asked a lot of questions about the process of adoption and how it all works; before, during and after. 

While, every agency and each person has their own experience, I like to tell it from our experience and how it works for us. 

We are "enrolled", for lack of a better word, in two programs at our agency. Our agency focuses on foster kids, but they also have a program for birthparents, called CHOICES. Which is when a birthmom decides to make an adoption plan. We have also chosen to take part in that. 

Basically, this is what happens:

we get an email with a referral. (based on our criteria)

in this email is all the information that the agency knows about this child. pages and pages of information, medical records and such. (sometimes these forms will be left pretty empty or can be missing important info if it wasn't provided by the birthparents)

at this point we read through all of the information and we decide if this is a child that we would accept.

we respond via email or a phone call with a yes or no. 

now at this point, if we say yes, it does not mean that we will get the child. it means that our name is put into a hat with all of the other people who received the same referral and also said yes. 

and then we wait. 

for a go ahead or a "sorry another family was chosen" email. 

Here's the run down on each program: 

Foster care: 

this is our agency's main focus.

additional training, guidelines and laws are required for this option. 

our home is a certified foster home with a license and everything.
these children can come in any age range.

when getting a referral for a child in foster care, it can be risky. more risky than being picked or placed with a child at birth from which a birthmom chose us. 

this is usually for legal reasons and/or the fact that the child is not legally free. 

foster children are in foster care for a reason. there may be more challenges and issues to work through physically and/or mentally. 

CHOICES program: 

this is where birthmoms come and make an adoption plan and get counseling and advice from the agency.
the majority of these children will not have been born or will be newborns.

there are different situations in which this process could work: 

a birthmom or parents will choose us by looking at our profile book.(they could pick many families and then have interviews with them) 

an agency worker could make the decision if the birthmom doesn't want to.

Now, unfortunately a lot of these referrals and this whole process can and/or will feel like a business transaction. 
i know.. it's horrible. but it's how it is done. and whether we like how it's done or not, it's got to be done. 

once we get a referral we get to choose if we say YES or NO to a referral.
this is for either program. 
once we see the file we decide if we want to put our name in the hat. 

some factors that may play a role in a decision: 
age
medical needs 
involvement of birthparents
history of child
location of child
and more.

right now we get to sit and wait for the right child for us. for the perfect match. 

but once we do get placed with our child, circumstances can vary depending on each situation. 

for example, if the child is coming from foster care we may have to do bi-weekly/weekly/monthly visits with the birthparents.
there will also most likely be court dates and possible appearances.
depending on the situation a judge could order a child to live with other family members or relatives.
it also takes a lot longer for a child to be legally ours, once they are in the foster care system. it can take up to 2 years once placed with us.

if a child comes from the CHOICES program then finalizing an adoption usually happens pretty fast, from a few weeks to a couple of months.


once a child is placed with us and we have finalized the adoption that child is all ours! :) 
legality wise - it will be like i pushed that baby out myself. 
and then we live happily ever after.... 

Some questions that have been asked:

can a parent take a child back? 
no. once the child is legally free the birthparents cannot take a child back. 

do we get to name the child? 
well if coming from foster care, that child will already have a name. 
if we want to change their name, we would have to wait until the adoption was finalized and the child is legally ours. and then file for a name change.
if coming from the CHOICES program, the birthmom may or may not have named the child, but the odds lean more towards us being able to choose the name.

how long until you get a baby? 
we don't know. we have mentally TRIED to prepare ourselves to wait. 
being as our age range is so young 0-2, we could wait longer. 
an average wait is about 9 months. 
but we could wait for 2 years. 
i sure hope not though. rowan is already saving stuff to give to her future brother or sister. {like her sticker she got from the dr. the other day. :) }

can you get a call/email and get the baby the same day? 
yes! we could!


whew.. i feel like i included quite a bit of information, yet i feel like i'm missing so much more! there is a lot of steps and information that is involved in this whole process. 
but hopefully this helps to explain how it all works and to answer some of these questions that i get asked all the time.