I've been avoiding my blog for the fact that it's hard to relive our last referral. We weren't chosen. We weren't even picked for the top 3 to have a meet and greet.
That was very hard for me. for us. I did quite a bit of crying and was upset for days. I didn't want to come on here and explain that we weren't chosen. It hurts.
After not being chosen, for yet another referral, we starting analyzing everything from ourselves to our profile books to timing in our lives. I can't say that we have stopped doing that completely, as we are still talking about redoing our profile books.
Going through this process can be completely excruciating and come with horrid devastation. Along with the excitement of a new and promising referral where we tell everyone we know because we feel like this is the one - THIS IS IT!! - also comes the horrible task of telling everyone that we weren't chosen and reliving the moment of when we were told - nope, sorry, it's not you.
We have mostly moved on from that last referral and we look forward to future ones. While being overwhelmed with how busy September has been for me, it's also been a blessing to help recover from that emotional experience.
I had a talk with our case worker the other day when she called to check up on us and see how we were doing and she always makes sure that we are still living our lives, making plans and moving forward while we wait for our child. As I tell her that we aren't letting the referrals hold us back, I began thinking that yes, actually I am!
It's so challenging when I think of a future scenario of, perhaps me getting a job, but then I think well what happens if I get a job and then 2 weeks later we get a baby! What happens if I love my job and then we have a baby and it goes against our entire plan. The plan that we have made for our family as a whole or the plan that we have laid out in our profile books given to birth parents. So yes, I'm holding back. The adoption is difficult to navigate and to figure out what to do in life while you wait for something that you want so badly.
We continue to make plans, attend night and weekend college classes, purchase event tickets, schedule vacations and such knowing that we need to not hold our breath, that God has plan that he hasn't filled us in on, but we need to trust it. We have to keep moving forward and when the time comes it's going to be right. It's going to what we have waited for and we will figure out life at that moment in time.
Adoption is real. Adoption is challenging. Adoption is worth the wait.
