Moving on.

I've been avoiding my blog for the fact that it's hard to relive our last referral. We weren't chosen. We weren't even picked for the top 3 to have a meet and greet. 

That was very hard for me. for us. I did quite a bit of crying and was upset for days. I didn't want to come on here and explain that we weren't chosen. It hurts.

After not being chosen, for yet another referral, we starting analyzing everything from ourselves to our profile books to timing in our lives. I can't say that we have stopped doing that completely, as we are still talking about redoing our profile books. 

Going through this process can be completely excruciating and come with horrid devastation. Along with the excitement of a new and promising referral where we tell everyone we know because we feel like this is the one - THIS IS IT!! - also comes the horrible task of telling everyone that we weren't chosen and reliving the moment of when we were told - nope, sorry, it's not you. 

We have mostly moved on from that last referral and we look forward to future ones. While being overwhelmed with how busy September has been for me, it's also been a blessing to help recover from that emotional experience. 

I had a talk with our case worker the other day when she called to check up on us and see how we were doing and she always makes sure that we are still living our lives, making plans and moving forward while we wait for our child. As I tell her that we aren't letting the referrals hold us back, I began thinking that yes, actually I am!

It's so challenging when I think of a future scenario of, perhaps me getting a job, but then I think well what happens if I get a job and then 2 weeks later we get a baby! What happens if I love my job and then we have a baby and it goes against our entire plan. The plan that we have made for our family as a whole or the plan that we have laid out in our profile books given to birth parents. So yes, I'm holding back. The adoption is difficult to navigate and to figure out what to do in life while you wait for something that you want so badly. 

We continue to make plans, attend night and weekend college classes, purchase event tickets, schedule vacations and such knowing that we need to not hold our breath, that God has plan that he hasn't filled us in on, but we need to trust it. We have to keep moving forward and when the time comes it's going to be right. It's going to what we have waited for and we will figure out life at that moment in time.

Adoption is real. Adoption is challenging. Adoption is worth the wait.

Hoping for a possible match.

Last Tuesday, July 29th, I received an email at 3:30 p.m.

This email said something along the lines of:

Hey, we haven't heard from you or Jerry about a referral that we sent you last week.

The deadline is 5 p.m. today. Are you interested?

I, of course, started to panic and wonder where this email was that I suppose to have gotten last week. I email back immediately and let them know that we have only just received this information and we haven't looked it over yet, but that we will immediately. 

I opened up all the documents and scanned them quickly.

Sometimes we can just scan them and we will know right away that it isn't a good fit for us.

After scanning and read some of the critical parts of a referral I am thinking that this is a good fit for us. 

I called Bubba at work-- he had received the referral, but only just today, not last week. 

He hadn't realized or read that far to know that they had to know by 5 p.m. that day!

Not having much time to read over the information being as he was working, he said he trusted me.

At this point we are both starting to get excited because it seems really great!

After getting off the phone I went back and read through all the documents thoroughly. 

I knew that we could not turn this down. 

We fit every single one of their desires for an adoptive family. 

And they fit all of ours! 

We knew that we had to say yes! 

I responded quickly with a YES! YES! Please submit our profile book. 

Bubba came home from work and we talked about it and we got really excited! 

The birthparents were going to pick up the profile books from the agency the next day, Wednesday. 

By Thursday evening, Bubba had come home from work and was sitting on the couch and says:

When are we going to hear something -- it's been FOREVER!

After explaining to him that it's only been one day since they had picked up the books, I knew how he felt. It's so hard to wait for something that is so excitingly life-changing! For something that we both want so bad and it's in the hands of someone else. 

After emailing our caseworker to find out if we would be given a phone call or an email, because Bubba was checking his email every 5 seconds, if we were chosen for a match meeting, we found out that there is no exact protocol, but that we would most likely get a phone call if we were chosen. 

It's now Wednesday, August 6th, and it's been a very long week. It's been very hard waiting and wondering if we will be chosen for this precious baby. 

As I first panicked when I saw that we only had an hour and a half to respond to the referral, I'm not glad that we didn't receive that email the week before. It would have felt like torture waiting TWO weeks for an answer. We hope that today is the day. We hope and pray that our phone rings today. That this is the beginning of our lives as a family of four. 

I thought it was The One.

There was another YES last month. In the middle of April. 

I thought it was THE ONE. 

I was so excited. 

It was just halfway through the first page that I knew that this was it. This one is meant for us and we are meant for them. 

After reading through all of the paperwork it was like there was nothing to talk about. It was an immediate YES! After checking with Bubba, because it was sooo obviously for us that I felt like we hardly had anything to discuss, i responded with a big YES!! We are in!! 

That was Friday afternoon. 

And then it was Easter weekend. Which I was so thankful for because it kept me busy from thinking about it constantly. Instead I just thought about it often. 

The deadline for submissions were Monday at 11 a.m. and I had hoped that we would hear back by Tuesday but figured that we would know if we were chosen for the top choices for an interview by Wednesday. Especially because her due date was only 2 weeks away. 

Tuesday came and went. 

Wednesday came. And we got THE EMAIL. The dreaded email that says someone else was chosen and that we weren't. 

Normally I would say something like "bummer," but this was a blow. a big blow. 

I had intentions of telling no one about this referral. Last time I told someone that we had said yes to a referral I had to go back and tell everyone that we weren't chosen. and that sucked. and made it that much harder. 

But I was so very excited and confident that we would at least be chosen for an interview or meeting with this couple that I couldn't contain my excitement and ended up telling a few people.Oops!

That also meant that I had to inform them that we weren't chosen. That sucked. Again. 

I'm learning through this process that it's a much bigger roller coaster than I thought it would be. It's more than what a person can imagine. When you visualize yourself going to a hospital and imaging a baby's face and you taking that baby home to love and then it doesn't happen. That's a blow that I could only imagine and the sadness is worse than I thought. 

I can't imagine having to physically go through a situation like that. Thankfully all of our situations have been hypothetical -- to a point. Real people. Real situations. But not physically chosen yet to then be denied at the hospital. Thankfully and hopefully that won't be us. 

After having a conversation with our caseworker, I feel a bit better about it. I "recovered" quicker with this one because we have only ever been told no. So I don't know what it feels like to get a yes. 

But like I said "All we need is one YES" just one. 

So I sit here and I don't think about it as much as I used to. The wait is still hard. It's still hard to see the crib set up in the old guest room that is now a nursery, but I'm getting used to it. 

I'm hoping, that just as I get used to that room being empty, that we will be taken by surprise and then BAM! we will have our new child! 

For now, I'll daydream about it while still moving forward!

Waiting.

Our lives right now are BUSY. 

We have so many things going on and it's really crazy between birthdays, Easter, graduation, school, tball, spring break, and so much more. 

Waiting is hard. When comes to waiting for your baby, it's harder. Although we have said yes to another referral and again we weren't picked, it's okay! Because it just means that baby wasn't for us. And we will continue to wait until our baby comes to us. 

Even though I'm totally stressed out and feel like I'm going crazy sometimes from everything that I need to do and am doing, I'm thankful for this busy time in our lives. January, February and March are USUALLY relatively slower months for us and it makes the waiting that much harder. But now, as I walk past the baby room a million times a day, I only stop and think about what is missing, half the time, instead of the usual 3/4 time. 

I will take this season in my life and enjoy it. And enjoy my daughter that I already have, who is full of love, laughter, dance, music and a big heart.